My Heart
by DemonShadeX
Summary: AU of Merlin 3x10, The Queen of Hearts, What if Merlin never came up with the idea of Dragoon what if Gwen had died that day, how would Arthur cope? an Au continuation of the series this will be Merthur!
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing :( if i did it would have been a definite Merthur story BBC owns everything, AU.**

**Chapter Warning: Mentions of Major Character Death**

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**_Prologue:_**

Arthur could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he desperately tried to reach the courtyard in time. His thoughts racing, no no no the moved it up,

there was supposed to be time there was supposed to be time! He frantically pushed his way through a crowd of people, when he heard it and froze. An

ear piercing earth shattering scream of pain. For a moment time started to stop, before redoubled his efforts to get to the pyre. When he finally

managed there was nothing but smoke and ash there weren't even any remains. At that second the world disappeared from under his feet and his heart

shattered. And all he could think was no...

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**So what do think so far and don't worry though this is a Merthur story Arthur truly did love Gwen so he won't be like a jerk and immediately jump to Merlin. It will be like slow realization, because a part of always did love Merlin, but it'll be a slow build type os story okay!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I own nothing :( if i did it would have been a definite Merthur story BBC owns everything, AU of Merlin 3x10, The Queen of Hearts, What if Merlin never came up with the idea of Dragoon what if Gwen had died that day, how would Arthur cope? an Au continuation of the series this will be Merthur!.**

**Chapter Warning: Mentions of Major Character Death and Some Blood**

* * *

Chapter 1

Arthur just continued stare at still smoking darkened prye, this one was burnt with alot more fire so much so you no longer could even see the body that had been on it. At this thought he barely holds back a sob.

"Arthur?" a soft voice calls and a hand is placed on his shoulder "Arthur...come on, I think we should go inside now." the voice hoarse and shaky, tears thick in it.

He turned and looked at Merlin's bright blue eyes now red and puffy, swimming with more tears and shadowed with deep grief and loss. This was like an immediate punch to his gut, to realize that he wasn't the only one to have lost her, his heart wasn't the only one that ached. But he just couldn't bring himself to care about anyone else at all.

But he mutely nodded and got up, and followed Merlin. They passed many people when passing through the corridors, giving him pitying looks, normally this would upset him but right now the only thing he thought of was why had this happened? And the more he thought about it the only thought that came to him was...father...Uther...this was his fault, all his fault.

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Merlin silently led Arthur back to his chambers, trying to figure out a way to soothe prince at the same, but his mind kept racing back to her, to Gwen. He should have done something anything, head failed Arthur and one of his best friends.

When they reached Arthur's chambers he numbly opened the door and looked over to Arthur and quietly spoke "We're here." and he watched the prince stalk in quietly, this made him a little nervous there was just something really off about Arthur, and it wasn't sorrow. So Merlin followed him into the room still rather unsettled.

He found Arthur standing stoically in the middle of the room so he hesitantly called his name "Arthur?" the prince snapped his eyes to meet Merlin's, and Merlin froze oh no something definitely was wrong.

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The entire walk to his chambers Arthur could do nothing more than stew and fume at the sick and horrid action his father- no not his father, _Uther's_ action, the very moment he decided to do what he did was the moment that man stopped being his father the moment he decided to do what he did.

The more he thought about the more enraged and angry he got, he could just barely hear Merlin announcing that they were at his chambers he silently walked in his mind and heart a complete ravaged mess. When he heard Merlin say his name again his eyes darted over to Merlin's eyes that were watching him worriedly, but the moment their eyes Arthur not only saw worry in the them, but that aching sorrow he saw earlier as well, but this time he snapped and all the rage, angry, and sorrow he managed to hold in himself roared to life and came pouring out and he just snapped.

Merlin stared horrified as he watched Arthur lose control he was now yelling, screaming, cursing and throwing things around the room. In other words he had completely and utterly lost it and he could do nothing more and then stand there and watch.

"God damn my father-NO! Uther he's no longer my Father!" and something else is flung

"he's a monster a complete monster!" now a mirror has been shattered

"No he's more than a monster he's a- he's a!" unable to finish he just snarls and flips the chair over.

"God how could he, I loved her and he knew..." he starts off angry but his voice goes soft near the end before his rage takes over yet again and he roars "Bastard!" and continues to shout and curse at his father.

Merlin could do nothing more than just stand there and let Arthur let out all of his pent up emotions he stood there silently waiting until he heard

"I'm going to kill him!" This scared him a lot, because there was something Arthur's voice, something dark and serious that told Merlin he would definitely do it.

So he quickly jumped in "Arthur, you don't want to do that.'

"Oh don't, I!" Arthur snarled furiously

"Arthur please don't do it, this isn't like just rela-", but Merlin couldn't finish before Arthur lost it again. However this time he was far more destructive and even more so blinded by rage.

Merlin continued to try to get to "Arthur Gwen wouldn't have wanted this!" He managed to scream over Arthur's rage.

At this Arthur's eyes darkened even more a roared "She would have! She would have wanted to be avenged! She would have wanted his Blood!" Arthur finished off his chest heaving angry, rage and a murderous glint in his eyes.

At this Merlin also lost it and yelled "Blood! Blood! Blood!, Is that all you want _Pendragon_! Is that all every Pendragon wants! Because if so You are no better than your _FATHER_! Arthur no _BETTER_!"

At Merlin's words Arthurs blood boiled, a wave roared in his ears and his eyes blinded by white hot fury, he just grabbed one of the remaining things on the table and flung it at Merlin's direction. The anger remained in the system until he heard Merlin's pained gasp.

His eyes then cleared and he stared in horror as Merlin clutched his far side where a knife was embedded in his flesh and blood started to stain his shirt...

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**DUN! DUN! DUN! cliffhanger, until next update *cue evil laugh***

**Just kidding**

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"Oh god, Merlin!" Arthur shouted as his rage cleared up and realization of his actions caught up to him and he quickly rushed over to Merlin's side, who had sunk unsteadily to the ground.

"I'm so- god I didn't mean-" Arthur choked out.

"Shhh! Arthur it's not that bad it's just a nick." Merlin murmured softly before pulling the knife out with another pained gasp and pressed his hand on the wound to prevent bleeding and he continued "I'll just get to Gaius I'm sure-"

But Arthur interrupted "No, you aren't going anywhere like that!", he quickly grabbed some cloth that he had ripped in his earlier rage and gave it to Merlin "Hold that down on the wound", he whispered quietly before gently moving Merlin to his bed.

He quickly opened the door and called to a guard "Go get Gaius _now_." his tone left no room for question and the guard just nodded and left quickly.

Arthur paced in the room while waiting for Gaius to arrive with Merlin trying to calm him "_Merlin_, you idiot! you are the one wounded and you are telling me to calm down!" Arthur retorted frustrated.

But despite this Merlin smiled for he caught a glimmer of the old Arthur in this statement.

Arthur sighed in relief when Gaius rushed through the door "What's the matter sire the guard seemed to see you were in a hurry." he questioned confused before he caught a glimpse of Merlin and gasped at the blood stained cloth "What happened!" he cried out before rushing over to Merlin.

Arthur opened his mouth to answer but Merlin beat him to it "It was nothing Gaius." he stated giving his mentor a like the old man's mouth became a grim line, but he nodded anyway. Arthur stood quietly doing whatever Gaius asked of him. When Gaius had finally finished he sighed "Alright my boy everything is fine you just need to lie down and rest", he then turns to Arthur "He won't be able to do any heavy lifting okay Arthur?" Arthur just mutely nodded "Well alright, sire if you could maybe find a way for me to take Merlin, back to his chambers", he continued.

"No. He can stay here, he is hurt after all", Arthur quickly replied. Gaius seemed startled but he responded "Very well, if it is alright with you Arthur", before he leaves he gives Merlin a stern look that states _don't do anything stupid_.

After Gaius had left there was a thick silence in the air and Arthur just awkwardly hung out at the end of his bed.

Merlin smiled softly before gently moving himself and patted the bed as a sign for Arthur to lay down as well. Arthur seemed apprehensive at first, but then Merlin continued to pat the bed so he gently climbed onto the bed as well. He hesitantly pulled Merlin into his arms but relaxed when Merlin placed his head on his chest. He just needed to feel, to make sure Merlin was alright.

"I'm sorry", Arthur whispered quietly.

"It's alright Arthur, you've just been through a lot", Merlin softly soothes him.

"No, it isn't! You were right I am just like Uther." He starts off firmly, but his voice gets quiet during the second part.

Merlin sees that Arthur had called his father by his name, showing that whatever relationship they had shared had been completely broken and shattered. "Arthur, that wasn't what I meant", he tells me gently

"Then what did you mean?" Arthur questions curiously

"One of your father's secrets and lies", he replies

"What do you mean one of Uther's secrets and lies? Arthur asks completely ignoring the word father.

"We all, have secrets, and we all tell lies Arthur," Merlin states.

"Tell me what you mean Merlin?" Arthur asks "Tell me what you're talking about?"

Merlin hesitates for a second before beginning to speak "I'll tell you, but you mustn't interrupt or do anything rash." Arthur looks at him for a second before nodding.

"Well, do you remember Morgause?" he continues after Arthur nods his head "She wasn't lying Arthur, well not completely."

Arthur freezes and he whispers "what do you mean?"

"For a life, another must be taken Another must be taken Arthur, Morgause was right when she said magic contributed to your birth", Merlin pauses for a second before continuing "Your father didn't know the real consequences, both your mother and father were so excited about having you, they didn't realize the price- your mother. Your father was heartbroken after this filled with sorrow and grief, but he let his sorrow and grief turn into bitterness and hatred and so he lashed out on the all those he believed were the cause of his misery, in the name of your mother", Merlin stops again before starting up "And that's what I meant your father caused all this and you're trying lash out against him in the name of Gwen", he stops and looks Arthur directly in the eye "Now you tell me is this what your mother or Gwen would have wanted?"

Arthur is completely drained after discovering a truth about Uther he couldn't help but feel numb, there were so many people he killed for no reason, so many just for being them. But he tried to kill him for a reason didn't he? "No, but my father had no reason, I do." muttered hoarsely to Merlin.

Merlin smiles sadly "Would you like to know something, I once asked Gwen after your father had killed her father, if she could would she kill Uther, do you want to know what she said No, and when I asked her why she said _That would make me a murderer. That would make me as bad as him_" Merlin tells Arthur softly.

Arthur had many things running through his mind and many feelings as well but one thing was clear "She was right." is all he could say.

"Yes, she was", Merlin replies quietly.

"God! What else has he hidden from me!" Arthur exclaims quietly

Merlin pauses a little before answering "There is one, other major thing, would you really like to know?"

"yes", there is no hesitance in Arthur's response.

"Morgana, she's well she's..." Merlin stops for a second searching for a way to continue, until he stops and takes a deep breath and just says it "Morgana's your sister."

Arthur stiffens as this new piece of information is being run through his head, but he can't bring it in him to react, but something does catch his interest "Merlin, is there something about Morgana I should know about?" he asks

"It's just one of my many secrets and lies", he answers though the last part is said under his breath, but Arthur heard him anyway.

"Have you not told me things as well", Arthur questions.

"yes", was the simple response he got back.

"Would you tell me?" Arthur asks almost shyly

"I don't know..." Merlin replies his voice trailing off.

"I guess you've said more than enough, it's my turn now." Arthur sighs a little disappointment staining his tone.

* * *

And with that they just lie in bed as Arthur talks about his secrets, his lies, his life. When Arthur finally finishes Merlin, feels like he knows more about Arthur and he feels like he can tell him, one of his biggest secrets, no it is his biggest.

"Arthur?" he starts off.

"Yes Merlin?" Arthur responds gently.

"I'll tell you one of my secrets, the one from where all the others branch off from." Merlin states. Arthur stays quiet waiting for Merlin to start.

Merlin takes a deep breath and begins "Well I've had this secret for a long time since birth really", taking in Arthur's confused look he continues "My mother said I was born unlike any other babe, she said there was a gorgeous blue and gold glowing lights and my eyes themselves were pure gold, she made the only midwife helping her swear to never say a word on what happened."

Merlin didn't stop to take account Arthur's reaction whatsoever he just continued to speak "She said had started to make things move around just a few hours after being born, she was scared but not for herself, no she was scared for me. As I grew up, I grew up happy at least that's what my mother thought, but not really. I heard stories of people, people who were like me, they were freaks, abominations, monsters, but most of all evil. It was actually when I was five- five that it was too much so I climbed up a tree, If I was an evil monster it would be best if I just died right? I had no other purpose, I didn't even have any idea why I could do What I could do. So I jumped", Merlin pauses as he takes in Arthur's horrified face before he continues "But just when I was about hit the ground a gentle goldish mist stopped me and softly placed me on the ground, and that was when I thought maybe there is a reason and I'm not a monster, but I never found the reason until-until I meet you," Merlin states going quiet at the end before starts up again "Sure you were a prat, but there was something about you." he smiles softly repeating words Arthur had to used on him from the time when they had first meet.

"Wow", was all Arthur could say, if it was any other time he would've been furious at the lies and the fact that Merlin was a sorcerer. However after hearing everything Merlin had told him from; Uther to Merlin himself and telling Merlin about himself. He was nothing but shocked, sad at what Merlin had been through and angry but not at Merlin but Uther for making a situation like that.

"Well that's my biggest secret, the one all the others relate to." Merlin states, before pausing and hesitantly continuing "Are you angry? Do you think I'm a monster?

"No,I'm not", Arthur simply says and continues "And No, you aren't you're simply just Magical, thats all Merlin, you're special and I mean that with or without your abilities.

Merlin simply smiles brilliantly turns his head in Arthur's chest, closes his eyes and starts to drift off.

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**Wooo! I'm done! okay let me clear up a few things both Merlin and Arthur's action are contributed to Gwen's death a the emotions from afterward, thus Arthur throwing things and telling Merlin about himself and taking Merlins pieces of news calmly, And also Merlin Spilling his guts to Arthur. They both needed comfort Merlin because he lost one of his closest and best friends and Arthur because he lost the girl he loved so latched on to one another. taking comfort from the other, so yeah! By the way should I make this rated M answer in reviews and i'll maybe put up a poll later Kay! laters guys!**


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